Mr. A's talking about second degree again and I don't know what to say. I think the easiest answer regarding my feelings on whether or not I'm going to test for second degree is, "It's complicated."
I'm not going to go into detail regarding my experience testing for black belt - - that would be rude, but suffice it to say that it wasn't exactly a great experience. It left me not just with a black belt, but with a feeling of deep, simmering inadequacy, like I didn't really deserve what I got, but I had been given it, anyway. The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth, and less than a year later, it's just as disgusting.
Now, I've always had an inferiority complex - - I was going to leave testing feeling like I didn't deserve the rank or like I hadn't done as well as other testees either way, but the whole scenerio stripped me of absolutely any pride I could feel in being a black belt. For days after, people would ask me how I felt about my new rank and all I could do was shrug. They would chide me a bit about it, but it didn't make me feel any better - - the damage had been done.
So, how do I feel about testing for second degree? It's not entirely a question of when I will test, rather of whether or not I even intend to.
I feel as if I'm a mediocre martial artist at best - - as I already mentioned, I feel as if my rank was given and not earned. It's been 9 months of on-and-off training since I went to college, so I'm more than a little out of practice. Any abilities I may have had in July of 2006 have most certainly fizzled; it would be nothing short of a miracle to regain them in the 8 weeks I would have to prepare, assuming I intended to test.
And what does second degree mean, anyway? The further development of my martial arts capabilities, yes? In 8 weeks I may be able to re-learn how to do all my kata up to standard for the first degree test (even that's pushing it!) and learn the two open-hand and three weapons katas I would need. I may be able to develop decent bunkai if I cram enough..but that's all it would be. I would have crammed for my second degree black belt. What the hell is that?
I may or may not cram for college exams (I'm not admitting to anything, you can't make me!) but somehow it would feel wrong to cram for this, especially considering the markedly bad attitude displayed the year previous.
To begin with, testing in only one year after that fiasco, I would think that those who are the-powers-that-be would react as if those of us testing in that small time-frame were rushing it. If I crammed and it showed, which is likely, wouldn't that merely solidify in their minds that I didn't really deserve that first degree, much less convince them of my deserving of a second degree? Showing my face again this year would most likely be disastrous.
So, if I don't test this summer, I could probably work all summer on whatever material I would need for second degree. And then, at the end of August, I'm going back to college. Winter camp is probably about 4-6 months later, during which time I wouldn't be home enough to have my material fixed and tweaked. No way in hell am I testing then.
Two months after that I return home in the same mess I am now.- - out of practice, just praying I didn't forget most of my weapons kata. Two months after *that* is summer testing again. Oh, boy, what to do? At least this time I wouldn't look too gutsy.
And then there's the option of never testing again. This option is the most self-preservational. There are certain people I heartily wish to never see again; testing would require me to be in their presence for a minimum of 3 days.
Does that make me a coward? Probably. Am I okay with that? Yep.
